On the 24th February 2022, I had my first true ‘experience’ of the year planned. It was to see a Modern Dance performance danced by Subhash Viman Gorania called “Little Murmur”, but more about that later. The first thing I have to say is that this first-experience is the first of the experiences I chose to plan for myself after my New Years Eve ‘breakthrough’ and subsequent planning activities throughout January 2022. It all started based around another Dance Performance I will be going to see in London in March. From there I discovered that Little Murmur was touring and performing in Liverpool prior to my London trip, so trying to go to that first, seemed like a good thing to try to do.

I should state that before the 24th February 2022 I had not been outside in a good couple of weeks. A Mixture of Depression and Anxiety was keeping me inside the house along with the ‘excuse’ of looking after a family member. Full disclosure is that I had been out – for a night out – in January 2022, for a few drinks with Elliot, Hannah & Pat. Otherwise, I haven’t achieved anything in January or February 2022 so far.

The 23rd February 2022 – The day before, I could feel for most of the day the anxiety from the through of going outside building up. Thankfully I’d pre-prepared everything I needed to take with me on the 24th, so I would not be panicked or rushed. I however found that night, that I would not get a whole lot of sleep whatsoever.. For around 3:30am UK Time, President Putin of Russia had announced that he was conducting a “special military operation” in Eastern Ukraine. When in actually fact, just minutes later, missiles began to lit locations across Ukraine including within the Capital, Kyiv. A “Special Peacekeeping Force” had been ordered by Putin to go into the Donbas region to assist the People’s republic, which had just days before been officially recognised as part of Russia. – This ‘Peacekeeping’ force almost immediately started shelling targets far outside of the People’s Republics areas, and at that point Russia was blatantly “at war” with Ukraine.

I got to sleep around 6am, with my alarms set for around 8:30am. I think I got about an hour of sleep in total. After waking up I got dressed and got everything I needed ready to go and get on a Bus. The busses around here are awful. They charge around £2.20 for a single trip, no matter how far or small a journey you are on them for. Just a flat rate. Unless it’s a particular time of the day, or they are feeling nice, or its a random Tuesday or something. Anyway, I left the house and walked around for the Bus. There was some anxiety regarding what bus to get, as some busses turn off before the stop I would need, which wouldn’t usually be any more of a problem than another 10-15 minute walk added to my journey time, but having not been out in a while, I really didn’t want that extra, additional walk. – Thankfully the bus went where I wanted it to, and I disembarked at The Blackie. Crossed the road and started to make myself up the hill towards the Cathedral. It’s a steep hill and boy did I struggle. I had to sit on the wall at the top for a few minutes and really get my breath back.

Breathing like a horse that had just finished a race I tried to relax and calm myself with breathing exercises. It was at that point that I had remembered I had put a bottle of water in my bag. Of course I went to drink it through the mask that was on my face. Anyway, breath back and I was moving again. The venue for today’s performance was the Unity Theatre. It is a small venue, but popular and has been there some time at this point.

Formed by Directors Gerry Dawson and Edgar Criddle as the Merseyside Left Theatre in 1930’s, the theatre became known as the Merseyside Unity Theatre in 1944. The company was known for being radical and experimentalist, staging classics alongside contemporary theatre, with the aim of making theatre accessible to the working class. Today, the theatre provides workshops and performance space and is based in a converted synagogue (the former home of the Liverpool Reform Synagogue) on Hope Place off Hope Street.

The building is an odd mixture of modern and traditional, with its frontage being a modern steel & glass structure, but inside featuring older architecture, the venue itself, from a technical point of view is as advanced as you could require for a small theatre. I didn’t get to see a whole lot of the ground floor during this visit, but I will go back again in the future. Walking up to the venue I noticed that I’d not even through about if I was going to go in or not, I was just doing it. I walked through the doors. A few steps later a lady was handing me a piece of paper with some details about the performance I was there to see, and I was then ushered towards the ticket desk. I was asked if I had booked previously (which I had) and so what was my name. I had to stand there for a moment, trying to get my breath back, before I could answer, but – test passed I discovered that the house was not yet open, and that I was welcome to take a seat in the bar which was upstairs. The receptionist saw that I was out of breath so ushred me towards the lift, which I gladly.. accepted.

I found myself in the bar of the Unity Theatre. There was not many people there at the time I arrived, so I found a table and sat myself with my back to the bar, looking towards the entrance, so I could see people coming in. I was seated there for around 10-15 minutes before an announcement came over the speakers to inform us that the house was now open. Unity operates an unreserved auditorium at the moment, so as long as you have your ticket for the venue, you can sit wherever you like once inside. It is not a massive venue my any stroke of the imagination, and I like that. There is a main block of seats which goes back only nine rows and across just twelve seats. On the right of that there is space for 2-3 seats on each row on the other side of the stairs, and on the left of the main block there are just six rows of five seats. Total capacity in this configuration of around 160 seats, so I would call that intimate.

Well as we walked into the space, the majority of the main block was taken up towards the front and middle by families and school children. – There was even a mother with a baby in a pram. Sure, this is the kind of theatre were there can be accommodations for that, but there was generally a recommended age limit on this performance of around 7+. I was not surprised to see so many children there, as “Little Murmur” was created when the Aakash Odedra Company were commissioned by Spark Arts for Children to re-imagine one of their original productions “Murmur 2.0 for a younger audience. So there being a good deal of children present was not to be unexpected. I chose therefore to sit on one of the seats on the left side of the main block. These seats were empty and away from noisy children. I sat on the back row, as my view from there was not obstructed at all, I could see everything, from the performer and the whole performance, to the rest of the audience, the exit doors, the lighting grid above and into the control booth too.

I was happy with my chosen seat. Before the performance started, you could see the Dancer walking the stage, checking his lights and props and beginning to warm up. Thinking back now, it is not completely clear as to when the performance started. Those fixing of the lights and on-stage equipment seemed to transition very cleanly into the actual performance. Before we begin, I feel at this stage I have to stop and take a moment to reflect upon how I felt after walking into the theatre. Walking in was fine, going to reception, speaking to strangers – welcoming strangers, that felt fine. Sitting up in the bar, I felt uncomfortable. I felt that I was the only person who was a long there, mostly because of the steady stream of children and their parents who were flowing in.

But once I moved on into the house itself, and I found my seat. Some kind of wave came over me. I felt… Home. Anxiety faded away, I wasn’t worried about anything anymore. I was relaxed, in how I felt and how I sat and it felt like I’d never been away. I am always interested in spotting what equipment is being used, what house lights the theatre carries and sometimes what the artist or performer brings with them. Everything was so professionally done, as you would expect, but even down to the ushers and front of house staff. Brilliant. The doors closed and the house lights faded, till the stage was lit by small lamps off to the sides, which is common in Modern Dance. There were a few spots placed in a circle around the stage, with a curtain in the middle. Behind the curtain was a large spotlight pointing directly forwards, but turned off at the time, and finally completing the circle surrounding the Dancer was a series of large bladed fans.

The start of the Performance itself, Dancer Subhash enters from stage right and picks up a book. He starts reading aloud from the book, struggling to pronounce some words. He proceeds to make small movements with just his hands at first, kind of spelling or even acting out the spellings of words that he cannot understand. This develops further and incorporates move movement till he is moving around the stage and getting more and more frantic and extravagant with his movements. It is clear that this is a coping technique he has constructed himself to aid his ability to read while having Dyslexia. The way Subhash starts by acting this out, using his body to make clicks and beats to emphasise this learning is incredibly done. So soft in its implementation it could be considered natural. Here at the very beginning he starts to repeat some movements, exactly, verbatim. These movements remain a part of the piece throughout, almost a consistent touchstone that he can return to throughout to show progression. Soon there is music accompanying the movement written by Nicki Wells. I would say that the Musical accompaniment fits very well with the performance piece and style, but the dance is not driven by the Music, which is a refreshing change to what you can sometimes be left stuck with when it comes to Modern Dance. The precise moments from Subhash have of course all been choreographed by Aakash Odedra & Lewis Major for the Aakash Odedra Company.

As we get deeper into the performance, Subhash starts to use sound as well as movement and we hear that for 21 years of his life he was mis-spelling his own name. This is build up and becomes a sort of mantra that is said and mentioned throughout the performance. It is around this time that Subhash disappears around the back of the while curtain that is attached from above and for the first time in the performance we get to see technology in action as a projector projects a series of images on to the white curtain. With the Dancer behind the curtain matching his action and movements to what is appearing on the screen. This takes some skill as for him, this section of the performance will be lead by the projection and music rather than his own movements and timings. Moving on, a figure is drawn from the projection, that Subhash starts to interact with and a fight breaks out. The choreography of this section is superbly done, matching the on-screen projection with perfectly timed movement behind the curtain. This was my first ‘wow’ moment.

This section finally reaches a crescendo where the on-stage fans start up and Subhash is interacting directly with the curtain, which is still being projected upon. The music, movement, projection and lighting all raises towards a final battle and a breakthrough moment where Subhash intertwines himself within the curtain pulling it from its supports and wrapping himself up inside it. With the wind generated from the circle of fans around him the curtain whips around him almost completely surrounding him in cloth. The music calms and the projection ends, and slowly the fans decrease in speed till he is left centre-stage wrapped up in these white cloth curtains, drained on the floor.

After a while he starts to awaken, almost as if the battle had taken energy and strength to endure and defeat. Movements in this section are so precise. So precise, there is an element of body popping so strict and controlled are the moments. Subhash unwraps himself from the cloth and dumps it to downstage right and walks away. He finds his books again and starts reading, realising at this point that he’s been mis-spelling his name, for 21 years, he’s been missing an “A”. There are mantraistic movements designed and integrated at this point, signifying, drawing out the missing “A” over and over and bigger and grander. He returns towards the cloth and starts to pick it up when he is distracted by something that happens behind him. A sole, lonely, piece of paper floats down from above and lands behind him. He is scared of what it is, but tentatively goes over to inspect it. He picks it up, looks at it and holds it towards his chest – it means something to him. He looks at it again, – he has found his “A” after 21 years of looking, of knowing something has been missing… and slowly folds it up to place in his pocket for safe keeping. He is happy, content, complete with the knowledge that he has found his missing “A”.

He returns to go collect and tidy up the cloth, when there is a noise from above and another piece of paper floats down to the floor. He collects it and tidys it away in a box. Another piece floats down, followed by another, followed by another. Slowly at first but over time this process repeats over and over and over again. It gets to be too much. Subhash tries to keep up with the speed at which the paper is falling but soon he becomes overwhelmed with the speed at which the paper is falling to the floor. Then, a break. The paper stops falling, which allows him time to collect up some of it, and place it tidily away in the box. Eventually he returns to centre stage and goes in his pocket for his missing “A” which he had put there safely earlier. – But it’s not there. He cannot find it, and starts to get anxious that he can’t find this thing he’d been looking for for 21 years. This feeling grows and grows till he starts looking inside the box where he’s put all the dropped paper, then he checks the floor where there is yet more paper, more chaos, at which point he is getting frustrated and angry. The floor fans spin up again and the paper starts to drop from the ceiling more and more, and faster and faster, faster and faster and faster still, till its is a shower of falling paper, all getting whipped up around Subhash as he is still searching for his missing “A” once more. He stuffs papers up his t-shirt to keep them out of the way and franticly travels the stages till ending up centre-stage with all of this paper and chaos being whipped up around him, till he falls to the floor, defeated and dejected. The fans subside and everything starts to settle.

After a while, Subhash starts to move, he starts to recover and slowly starts to get up. He tidy’s the papers away into the box, still resigned to the fact that he has lost his missing “A” again. He’s still got papers stuffed up his t-shirt at this time, so he removes them and places them into the box till he’s left with one piece of paper. It’s still not his missing “A”, and so he tears it up into tiny squares of paper. Then in conjunction with the music he throws the paper up into the air and it starts to float down on top of him, at which point the fans start up once more and the paper starts dropping again, whipping up a huge tornado with Subhash stuck inside of. Subhash then starts to spin around inside this tornado of physicality and the metaphor of anxiety and feeling lost, alone and incomplete. Spinning around and over and over and over, over, over and over again until with a crushing blow, he falls to the floor, the papers settle, the wind dies down and the lights fade to darkness.

The house lights come up to a round of applause and standing ovations, Subhash takes a bow and leaves the stage.

The performance was around 35 minutes in length which was made even more impressive to me by being performed by a solo dancer. I was.. stunned. Perhaps it was made simpler for Kids, but I could honestly take, and did date so much away from that performance personally, that I don’t think the kids who were there would have taken. The performance while perhaps designed or adapted more towards children, I believe works for all people at all levels. The story of feeling for your whole life that there has been something missing, something that you know is missing, but you don’t know what it is. To having a realisation and discovering what you have been missing, or what you think you have been missing from your life… That kind of an experience can change a person.

I was… emotional leaving the venue. Walking down, out of the venue and down the road, turning the corner and heading down into the city centre. It hit me quite emotionally. Perhaps it was the relief or the thought of the achievement of going to the venue, going inside, sitting down and enjoying the performance, but perhaps it was more than that. Perhaps it was the achievement of going outside, and following through on a plan I had made for myself. The performance was superb and moving to me in several ways. I am so pleased that I got to go and see this one. As I said at the top of this piece, I felt ad home when I was inside the venue, and following the performance, I felt like I had met up with an old friend whom I thought was long gone and buried inside of me. I thought that kind of feeling inside me had been long crushed, stomped upon and generally driven out of me through the sometimes crushing weight of everyday life… All I can say afterwards is that.. those feelings, are still present.

While I was in the city centre and it was still quite early in the day, as the performance was done by just after 11:40am, I decided to walk down into the City. I place I hadn’t really been since before the CoVID-19 lockdowns, or perhaps to be honest, longer.

Generally I don’t feel there is much in town for me these days. A lot of the places I knew when I was last out and about have either been closed because of the lockdowns or closed for good. Everything feels different there now. It is not like it was at all.

This is fine, I wasn’t particularly attached to it back in the day either, except my old drinking holes. But I walked down and did a little bit of shopping. I had decided that today was also going to be the day I was going to walk

 into a pub, order a drink and sit down and drink it alone… And from the high of seeing the performance and going through with that, I thought why not give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen. So in a walked, into a pub in town. It was busy, but there were tables free, so I started by going to the bar, and discovering there was a queue at the bar.. This was a big bar, but there was a queue which was almost outside of the door. I thought ‘forget this’ and walked back out again.

Thinking that it was probably not going to happen for today, I found myself up by the Slug and Lettuce and walked in there, up the stairs and to the bar, where I ordered a pint of lager, paid for it with contactless (£5.92 for a pint), and found a table and sat down. Sat there quietly and drank my beer. So in the space of a day I’d used public transport for the first time in a while, attended a Dance Performance in a theatre on my own and walked into a bar, ordered a drink and sat down and drank it, all alone, for the first time in 39 years of life. To say I was proud would be quite the understatement. But I was getting tired at this point, so I made my way back towards the bus station to get on another bus and decided to head home.

Calling that a successful first experience and with a renewed interest both personally and professionally in the arts.. I say, bring on more please. I cannot await till March.

Thanks for reading!